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March 12, 2011 by August Rain

I have been sick for practically a month now. Well, a month ago is when my ear ache started–acute and painful. My ear drum burst that night in my left ear.

After that I started getting a bad cough.

Yesterday I had a fever and ached all over.

Still have the cough but no fever today–just run down.


So, I haven’t been doing much. I sit around. I sleep. I get on the laptop. I watch t.v.

I feel pretty worthless.


Jake graduates in two months–from high school. And I am not a part of his life. I just cannot believe this. What a horrible thing. I let this happen—and I just cannot believe it. I have been having dreams that we are ALL together. All of my kids–their dads–my brother and Stephanie–Auston.  Everyone is together. Together. I am able to see myself as a “whole” mother….with all of my boys. Wholesome. Complete and happy. Complete. Whole. This is something I am not. I am not whole. That’s it. I am not whole. I am shattered and scattered. My own stubborn selfishness did this.  My own actions brought this.


So sad.



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